De volta às origens ou aprendendo a não saber

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“Não devemos deixar de viajar

E o final da nossa jornada

Será chegar ao ponto em que começamos

E conhecer o lugar pela primeira vez”
(T. S. Elliot)

 

Por mais contraditório que possa parecer, o conhecimento nos afasta do aprendizado. Em todas as circunstância em que presumi que já sabia, inviabilizei minha oportunidade de aprender.

Não foi diferente com a aniversariante de hoje.

Em 2008 disse para mim mesma que São Paulo já tinha dado o que tinha que dar. Mas não foi nada pessoal. O mesmo fenômeno aconteceu com outras cidades por onde passei. Em algum momento e por diferentes motivos recusei-me a ficar nestes lugares (ou retornar a eles) usando a mesma desculpa: “esse lugar já deu”.

Apenas hoje percebo melhor a arrogância das minhas palavras. O lugar que já deu? Ou fui que eu quem soberbamente preferiu agarrar-se a certezas para poupar-se de adotar a postura de aprendiz?

Prefiro não saber, para poder continuar aprendendo, mas tendo a pensar que voltei à minha cidade natal para perceber que aquilo que mais precisava não tinha que ser buscado longe. Eu é que tinha de ir para longe para realizar isso. A questão estava comigo e não com a cidade.

Parar para pensar sobre isso, fez com que eu me desse conta das tantas vezes em que disse “eu já sei” ou “já conheço isso” e então perder a oportunidade de ver as coisas sob uma outra perspectiva. De apreender uma nova lição.

Minha postura de “sábia” talvez tenha me privado de melhor perceber São Paulo para além da minha realidade juvenil. Busquei e encontrei em outras capitais bagagem para a construção de alguém melhor. Mas foi aqui, no berço onde nasci, que me deparei com o que realmente precisava: propósito e um novo senso de direção. Às vezes acho que é preciso entrar em estado de carência para nos darmos conta das nossas reais necessidades.

Bastou faltar um monte de coisas para que em meio ao caos eu me percebesse melhor. Mais desperta. Mais eu.

Fiz isso com cidades, livros, pessoas, empregos, cursos…. algumas experiências de fato foram abortadas sem ressentimento. Mas outras não.

São Paulo fica nesse vão. Não me arrependo de daqui ter saído. De alguma forma, através de erros ou acertos – não sei – , minhas escolhas me trouxeram de volta, mais consciente, mais humilde, mais humana, mais cidadã.

Hoje nessa segunda-feira com cara de domingo, onde me acho um pouco menos ansiosa em ter razão, abro mão do passado e de todos os acontecimentos previamente adquiridos para expor minha vulnerabilidade.

Por tudo isso – e até mesmo pelo que sei que desconheço – ofereço como presente a São Paulo não só esse texto, mas algo ainda mais precioso: o meu não saber.

 

 

 

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